Wassup University

Socialism 101

Did everyone get a copy of today’s lesson? Good. What’s that, Suzie? The boys sitting in the back didn’t get a copy?

Boys, why didn’t you grab a copy of the lesson when you walked in? What do you mean you don’t give a rip if you pass the class or not? Actually, never mind. Here is a copy for each of you.

Class, I am your professor. My name is Dr. Bob O’Bama. Yes, it’s an Irish name. Why do you ask, Suzie?

Anyway, this is Socialism 101. I don’t believe I am exaggerating in the least when I say this class will change your life.

Sorry, I’m getting teary eyed.

Any questions before we begin? Yes, you in the back. You had a question?

Okay. Thank you for waking up and participating, but that wasn’t a question as much as it was a comment. Also, that isn’t a very nice thing to say about my wife.

Please read over the lesson for the next five to ten minutes. I will then answer any questions you might have.

(10 minutes later)

Alright, let’s get started. Does anyone have a question regarding anything outlined in the lesson? Yes, Suzie.

That’s an excellent question. You see, class, here in Socialism 101 we believe that all students should have the same chances for success. Someone smart doesn’t deserve an “A” any more than someone who isn’t so bright — for example, the young man sitting in the back carving something into his arm with a knife.

That is why I am going to take points away from those of you who make A’s and give them to students who make C’s, D’s and F’s. Most of the points will be given to those who make F’s, of course, because they need them the most.

Yes, Suzie. You have a follow-up question?

It’s not that I want to punish your success, Suzie. I just want to make sure that everybody who is behind you sleeping in class right now has a chance for success, too.

My attitude is that if the grades in the class are good for folks from the bottom up, it’s gonna be good for everybody. Just imagine how much better our class will be if the couple making out in the back of the classroom made good grades just like you, Suzie.

I think when you spread the points around, it’s good for everybody.

Any more questions? Anyone besides Suzie?

Okay, yes Suzie?

Ah yes, the extra credit points. Unfortunately, Suzie, I’m afraid the fact you are attentive, literate and have a good work ethic will make you ineligible for the extra credit. Besides, these “extra” points I will be giving are points I took away from you and your smart colleagues. It wouldn’t make much sense for me to take points away from you and then turn around and give them right back. Right?

You see, class, only those of you who need them the most are eligible to receive extra credit points. For example, the young lady in the corner wearing the “Fergalicious” tank top is most likely going to be eligible. The young man sitting right here in front of me who has been writing down every single word I’ve spoken will most likely not be eligible.

Class, I know this may seem unfair, but you’ll have to trust me when I say it’s good for everyone this way. I know it’s never worked for any other class, but I know THIS will be the class that makes it work. When I was in college, I specifically chose professors who would teach me how to implement this way of teaching.

Now, let’s get started! Is everyone ready?

Suzie, why did you put your notebook and pencil away?

What do you mean there’s no reason you should work hard?