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My take on the H1N1 histeria

I know you all have been waiting for me to chime in on the current pig flu pandemic.

“When is Bob going to tell us what to do,” I’m sure this has been overheard around many Starbucks this past week. Your patience is not wasted, my friends. Much like I did when the “Terrorists” were seen lurking in every corner of your town a few years ago, I’d like to share my take on this crap.

What’s that? I never blogged about terrorists?

Oh Well, in that case I’m just going to Spew some random thoughts I’ve had lately about the Swine flu.

If these are insightful and helpful, it’s totally by accident.

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As child, I never understood why Charlotte in Charlotte’s Web died. But now I know. Wilbur gave her Swine flu.

Those weren’t tears of sadness Wilbur was shedding.

They were tears of guilt!

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Obama recently announced that people should not be alarmed by the H1N1 (pig flu) pandemic. Looking beyond the fact I become alarmed whenever anything comes out of Obama’s mouth, hasn’t the man learned that every time he speaks on a topic, people dissect his words and overreact?

Heck, every time the man comments on the stock market, positively or negatively, people panic and the market goes down. If I somehow knew ahead of time when he was going to comment on the economy to reporters, I could make a fortune.

Anyway, by him saying there is no reason to be alarmed, a good chunk of the country is now alarmed, just grab a sandwich and a coke and sit in the parking lot of any hospital emergency room lately, save the Wolverine movie ticket $ it sucks! People are panicked.

Way to go, Obama. Maybe next time you can give a quote telling small children there is no reason to be alarmed by the monsters living under their beds.

If there is no reason to be alarmed, just shut up about it!

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Even though you can’t get the pig flu by eating pork, I bet somewhere in the world there is a Jewish boy around the age of 12 who is sweating bullets because of the BLT sandwich he ate last weekend at his friend Johnny’s house.

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I have no scientific basis for this theory, but if I come down with the pig flu I am going to rub kosher salt all over my skin.

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I don’t understand why all of these U.S. citizens are visiting Mexico in the first place. Don’t they realize we have a New Mexico right here in the good ol’ USA?

I bet these are the same people who keep going to the old mall in town even after a new one opens.…

I’m glad karma isn’t real. Otherwise, I so would be getting pig flu because of this post.

The origin of Swine Flu

Little did this child know what was to become of this...

We do that on first dates!

by Ann Coulter
April 29, 2009

Without any pretense of an argument, which liberals are neurologically incapable of, the mainstream media are now asserting that our wussy interrogation techniques at Guantanamo constituted "torture" and have irreparably harmed America's image abroad.

Only the second of those alleged facts is true: The president's release of the Department of Justice interrogation memos undoubtedly hurt America's image abroad, as we are snickered at in capitals around the world, where they know what real torture is. The Arabs surely view these memos as a pack of lies. What about the pills Americans have to turn us gay?

The techniques used against the most stalwart al-Qaida members, such as Abu Zubaydah, included one terrifying procedure referred to as "the attention grasp." As described in horrifying detail in the Justice Department memo, the "attention grasp" consisted of:

"(G)rasping the individual with both hands, one hand on each side of the collar opening, in a controlled and quick motion. In the same motion as the grasp, the individual is drawn toward the interrogator."

The end.

There are rumors that Dick "Darth Vader" Cheney wanted to take away the interrogators' Altoids before they administered "the grasp," but Department of Justice lawyers deemed this too cruel.

And that's not all! As the torments were gradually increased, next up the interrogation ladder came "walling." This involves pushing the terrorist against a flexible wall, during which his "head and neck are supported with a rolled hood or towel that provides a C-collar effect to prevent whiplash."

People pay to have a lot rougher stuff done to them at Six Flags Great Adventure. Indeed, with plastic walls and soft neck collars, "walling" may be the world's first method of "torture" in which all the implements were made by Fisher-Price.

As the memo darkly notes, walling doesn't cause any pain, but is supposed to induce terror by making a "loud noise": "(T)he false wall is in part constructed to create a loud sound when the individual hits it, which will further shock and surprise." (!!!)

If you need a few minutes to compose yourself after being subjected to that horror, feel free to take a break from reading now. Sometimes a cold compress on the forehead is helpful, but don't let it drip or you might end up waterboarding yourself.

The CIA's interrogation techniques couldn't be more ridiculous if they were out of Monty Python's Spanish Inquisition sketch:

Cardinal! Poke her with the soft cushions! ...
Hmm! She is made of harder stuff! Cardinal Fang! Fetch ... THE COMFY CHAIR!

So you think you are strong because you can survive the soft cushions. Well, we shall see. Biggles! Put her in the Comfy Chair! ...

Now -- you will stay in the Comfy Chair until lunchtime, with only a cup of coffee at 11.

Further up the torture ladder -- from Guantanamo, not Monty Python -- comes the "insult slap," which is designed to be virtually painless, but involves the interrogator invading "the individual's personal space."

If that doesn't work, the interrogator shows up the next day wearing the same outfit as the terrorist. (Awkward.)

I will spare you the gruesome details of the CIA's other comical interrogation techniques and leap directly to the penultimate "torture" in their arsenal: the caterpillar.

In this unspeakable brutality, a harmless caterpillar is placed in the terrorist's cell. Justice Department lawyers expressly denied the interrogators' request to trick the terrorist into believing the caterpillar was a "stinging insect."

Human rights groups have variously described being trapped in a cell with a live caterpillar as "brutal," "soul-wrenching" and, of course, "adorable."

If the terrorist manages to survive the non-stinging caterpillar maneuver -- the most fiendish method of torture ever devised by the human mind that didn't involve being forced to watch "The View" -- CIA interrogators had another sadistic trick up their sleeves.

I am not at liberty to divulge the details, except to mention the procedure's terror-inducing name: "the ladybug."

Finally, the most savage interrogation technique at Guantanamo was "waterboarding," which is only slightly rougher than the Comfy Chair.

Thousands of our troops are waterboarded every year as part of their training, but not until it was done to Khalid Sheikh Mohammed -- mastermind of the 9/11 attack on America -- were liberal consciences shocked.

I think they were mostly shocked because they couldn't figure out how Joey Buttafuoco ended up in Guantanamo.

As non-uniformed combatants, all of the detainees at Guantanamo could have been summarily shot on the battlefield under the Laws of War.

Instead, we gave them comfy chairs, free lawyers, better food than is served in Afghani caves, prayer rugs, recreational activities and top-flight medical care -- including one terrorist who was released, whereupon he rejoined the jihad against America, after being fitted for an expensive artificial leg at Guantanamo, courtesy of the U.S. taxpayer.

Only three terrorists -- who could have been shot -- were waterboarded. This is not nearly as bad as "snowboarding," which is known to cause massive buttocks pain and results in approximately 10 deaths per year.

Normal human beings -- especially those who grew up with my older brother, Jimmy -- can't read the interrogation memos without laughing.

At Al-Jazeera, they don't believe these interrogation memos are for real. Muslims look at them and say: THIS IS ALL THEY'RE DOING? We do that for practice. We do that to our friends.

But The New York Times is populated with people who can't believe they live in a country where people would put a caterpillar in a terrorist's cell.

COPYRIGHT 2009 ANN COULTER
DISTRIBUTED BY UNIVERSAL PRESS SYNDICATE
1130 Walnut, Kansas City, MO 64106

David Copperfield is the reason for the current state of the economy?

David Copperfield Makes Economy Disappear

LAS VEGAS -- In a major press conference today, illusionist David Copperfield announced that the downturn of the economy was not due to America's banks and citizens being unscrupulously over-leveraged in the financial markets, but rather because he had made the economy disappear six months ago.

"I needed to do something big to get my career back on track," Copperfield said as he waved his creepy hands mysteriously while rock music that was arguably not at all rock music blared in the background. "In a Vegas show, you can only walk through the Great Wall of Slots so many times before it gets boring."

"The Grand Economic Illusion" is part of Copperfield's new Branson act. In it, he makes $10 trillion of shareholder wealth disappear using an elaborate system of smoke, mirrors and pulleys. He then saws the Dow Jones Industrial Average in half and, as a finale, has several doves fly out of Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke's ass.

The show, "Invest in Copperfield," will air on a little-watched one-hour block of paid programming he purchased on the Country Music Television (CMT) cable channel between 3 and 4 a.m. Sponsors will include Cash4Gold.com, "The Snuggie" and the f**king annoying pirate musicians from freecreditreport.com.